What is it that separates the marriages that end from the marriages that stay the course? And, what can you and your sweetheart do to ensure that you will still be together and celebrating 10, 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years together?!

Well, over the years DJing weddings in NYC, New Jersey and Boston, we’ve heard more than our fair share of relationship and marriage advice, call it a wedding industry professional hazard or perk, if you will!

So, now we’ve decided to take the time, and compile a very concise curated collection of the most repeated, most important and most life changing marriage advice we’ve heard! 

Love That’s Grounded In Reality

There might be a reason that in ancient times, many people generally considered love to be a kind of sickness. Parents would warn their children about falling into it, and adults would often quickly arrange marriages before their children were old enough to make marriage decisions for themselves, and in the blind throes of passion, no less. 

But, abiding love, the kind that is deep and true, is impervious to sudden emotional storms or fleeting flights of fancy. It is instead a constant and deep commitment to a person regardless of changing circumstances. True love is a constant commitment to a person who doesn’t exist solely to make you happy, as well as a person who will need to rely on you, just as you will rely on them.

This kind of love is more challenging to sustain, because it doesn’t feel good all the time, and it’s often unglamorous. It’s going to doctor’s appointments, taking care of your partner when they’re unwell, dealing with insecurities and fears (theirs and your own) even when you don’t want to. But this form of love is also ultimately more satisfying and meaningful than everything is shiny and new! This kind of love has a slow, steady quality, not just a series of highs.

Respect, Respect, Respect…And Communication

One of the things we hear most from people with marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years is the utmost importance of respect within the relationship. After all, communication will have breakdowns at some point in time, conflicts and challenges are unavoidable and feelings will be hurt at times.

But, having unwavering respect for your partner can help cushion both of you from the hard landing of human fallibility. It’s crucial that you hold each other in high regard, believe in each other and trust that your partner is doing their best with what they’ve got, at all times. Without that solid base of respect, you will develop doubts about each other’s intentions. And, if you go down that path, you will begin to judge your partner’s choices, infringe on their autonomy, or feel the need to hide things from one another out of the fear of criticism. Respect will rescue your relationship and keep it strong and vital!

Embrace The Ebb And Flow Of Life

This is a sentiment we hear all the time! Think of your relationship as a series of waves, meaning that relationships, just like the ocean, contain constant waves. Some waves might last for hours, some might last for months, some might even last for years. The key to relationship success is to understand that very few of those waves – even the ones that knock you off your surfboard – have anything to do with the quality of your relationship. Many are simply part of the collective human experience of being alive and everything that comes along with that. Meaning… in the course of your marriage you or your spouse may lose jobs, loved ones are going to pass on, you might need to relocate, or switch careers. You might make a lot of money, you might even lose a lot of money. 

But, your job as a committed life partner is to ride those waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go, and even if the waves scare you. Because ultimately, none of these waves will last. Soon enough the swell will stop, and if you can stay connected without casting blame, you’ll be sitting in still, clear water together… holding hands and gazing into the sunset.